Day of Dying

A jarring voice jolts me awake.
Something is wrong.
The voice's tone is distress.
Something is wrong.
Reach frantically for my glasses.
Something is wrong.
Against the clock, I race downstairs.
Something is wrong.
My destination is the living room.
Something is wrong.
One look at you and I know
Death is in the air
Black angels flutter about
Waiting.
I hear the constant hum of the oxygen machine.
Something is wrong.
A soft 'paa' escapes your lips from forced air.
Something is wrong.
I gently wipe the saliva trickling down your chin.
Something is wrong.
Your eyes are blank and your skin is cold.
Something is wrong.
Tears fill my eyes. My chin quivers.
Something is wrong.
Numbness spreads
Fills my world
You are dying
And nothing is right.

My best friend Megan had some pretty sound advice for me the other night. So I have been trouble sleeping because images of my grandfather's death get stuck in my head and repeat themselves. It's very haunting and makes me a little crazy. Now my entire life images always have had a way of planting themselves in my brain and causing me to dwell on things or become obsessed with things. Guess it's all part of that OCD personality of mine. But the way it feels is like living reoccurring nightmares... not very fun. Now back to Megan's advice.... she has been seeing a grief counselor because her mother recently died and they told her that every time an image occurs to get up and write it down or to associate it with something else. (I personally think that is step 2). So my way of altering this for myself is to turn those images into poetry. Unfortunately I'm not ready to do this with my grandfather yet so I decided to see how it would work on something else that has recently been bothering me a lot and that is the loss (though not entire) of Rob. We've gone through so much and are always back and forth but every time things go badly I feel like I'm losing a best friend. So last night (technically the day today) when I got home from work and couldn't sleep because my mind was trapped with images.... I got up and wrote a poem. It felt wonderful and then I was able to promptly fall asleep.

Sweet Nothings

As you wrap your arms around me
And pull me in close,
Your sweet lips graze my ear
I feel your soft breath
Hear your whispered I Love You
The words travel into my ear through my brain
Down my tingling spine
They warm my insides and I feel safe.
My world is complete
Utter bliss in one moment.

The next moment it is all gone.
Those whispered words are shattered
Broken, split apart
They are just words
Your lips are far away and cold
Those same arms that wrapped me close
Now push me away
And I am alone.

Ok so I guess I fail miserably at keeping updates on here for all of my friends that care to read them. Well I'm currently surviving as best as I can back home. I recently got full-time overnights at Dunkin Donuts, which is pretty awful but it is money to pay bills in lieu of my librarian career taking off anytime soon.  Also I'm still trying to deal with the worst pain of my life which would be my grandfather's death. He died on Friday August 28th. If I thought my insomnia was bad before... well let's just say it is extremely desirable to what I deal with now. grigri614  recommended the book Tuesdays with Morrie to me and I just finished it the other day. It helped with some of these death dealing issues and also forced me to attempt to approach my grandma more and learn about her past. My whole family consists of 'hiding feelings' people and that doesn't help anyone in dealing with death. Of course, getting my grandma to talk about things is sort of like pulling teeth but it is a work in progress I like to think. Someday I would like to write a book about their life. So yes Tuesdays with Morrie- very inspiring!

Let's see what else has been going on.... balancing out sadness with something happy.... when I'm in a more consistent pattern of money-making (hopefully soon) I'm thinking about doing boxing. There is this all girls boxing gym in North Attleboro called Striking Beauties that seems perfect for some Amy-relieving-stress time. I'm also hoping to get some amazing rock climbing time in this weekend with Rob which is very much needed. I haven't been climbing in sooooo long and I feel like my soul is dying a little. It's extremely hard to keep a similar active lifestyle as I had before with little or no cash. There is no longer a climbing gym right behind my apartment nor a wonderful dance studio that enrolls people over the age of 14.

I've surprisingly become very anti-social lately (and due to working overnights as well). So not much excitement to report in way of social events. I haven't been to Club Hell since my grandfather's death because I just don't feel like putting myself in that big of a social setting yet. I went to Rose's labor day party and almost killed a bunch of people for spilling beer on me. Megan tells me that these uncontrollable bursts of anger will happen just because of everything my brain is trying to process and she assures me they will go away in due time. I sure as hell hope so because this is so not healthy. (Megan's expertise comes from her mother recently passing away and our similarities with anger issues).

Since I've decided I will be sticking around the homestead for awhile (my grandmother really needs me and I have no intentions of leaving her by herself in this house, that would be just awful) my mother and I have been discussing fixer-upper things to do around the house. Those projects will begin soon because the weather is cooling down and becoming more suitable for painting and the like. It'll be nice to live in a place where the floor, walls, and windows are not falling apart.

All in all, things aren't really going according to plan... but when does my life ever do that?! I'm just trying my absolute best to survive relatively intact. Everyday is a fight to concentrate on the little things in life. Try to remember the memories and the love left by that person instead of the pain of their loss. Balanced with finding a job, being supportive granddaughter, helping my mom out, and working 40 hours at current shit job. Sigh.... Oh yes and quitting smoking. Even without school in the picture my platter is still full... how did I manage that one. Anyways I would promise that I will keep updating this thing but that would be an empty promise.... I can say I will probably sporadically post more entries on here when I have time to do so.

Wow I haven't been on this thing in 11 weeks as it kindly informs me. So I've decided I'm back and I should really start posting stuff for my lovely B-town friends so they can keep up with all of my adventures.... so starting tomorrow or maybe later tonight I will sit down and make an update of my life. :)

Who the hell knows? Sometimes I think I'm just supergirl or something.

I always throw caution to the winds... sometimes the consequences are really good but most of the time the consequences are really bad.

I've gotten Winona Ryder and Anna Paquin in the past. Don't if either of those are true.

Neither actually but I super despise a text message novel... if something is important just call me or wait til you see me in person.

Tuscany, Italy or Australia

Friday the 13th has always been my luckiest day of the year.

That the house was going to catch on fire and we would be homeless. I always had a bag packed of my most cherished possessions under my bed just in case.

<a href="http://similarminds.com/jung/estj.html">ESTJ</a></b> -  "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.  <a href="http://similarminds.com/">Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)</a>

"The one you love is close." It was pretty absurd considering I was surrounded by people I love, such as my family. Now I know the fortune meant "the one" but that was just a silly fortune cookie.

Ocean definitely. I love the beach. However I wouldn't want to be too far away from mountains either... this is why I love New England. Best of both worlds!

Despite the fact that I've been doing massive horrible projects all weekend and have this terrible headcold, my weekend has been made wonderful due to the fact that it snowed a decent amount out here. I was sooooo freaking happy! Yesterday morning and afternoon it snowed big beautiful snowflakes and they actually stuck to the ground. When I first realized it was snowing, I literally started jumping up and down and smiling like a big dork in my apartment. I ended up sitting in my living room on the couch with my cup of coffee (in my favorite skull mug) just staring out my sliding glass doors and watching the snow fall. My pumpkins on the deck are covered in snow and you can see peeks of orange out from under the snow. I felt like my cats drawn to the window. My kitten Cinnamon, who has never seen snow, was slightly freaking out. She kept looking all over the place in the window, especially staring up at the sky and the snowflakes falling. It was kind of adorable. I did a little bit of homework yesterday but I decided to indulge myself and enjoy my favorite thing to do when it snows--- curl up, enjoy some warm beverage, and just watch the snowfall. It was amazing.

I hated dodgeball and kickball because catholic school kids are mean yo. Although I will be a total hypocrite about dodgeball and say that I loved to fucking whale those balls at the other bastards haha, I just didn't particularly like being hit by them. My favorite thing was when we got to go outside and do cross country running. My friend and I could go at our own pace, chatter, and enjoy the nice day outside.

Cranberry sauce. I despise it. Blech blech

No I rarely will stop and ask for directions because I'm stubborn as shit. I think this stereotype should be applied to people with stubborn personalities not necessarily gender.

I actually can figure out most idioms but I think a few of them are silly such as Apple of my eye (I just think this one is lame), Hell in a handbasket (how could you honestly fit in a handbasket!) and Getting up on the wrong side of the bed (what really is the right side of the bed in the morning, every side is the bad side to me haha).

Oh god totally Eeyore. I think Tigger's peppiness would probably drive to commence slamming my head against the elevator walls. I'd much rather have Eeyore telling me we were going to die because when we didn't we could be happily surprised. I'm a big fan of expecting the worst so when it doesn't happen you are pleasantly shocked. But we all know I'm quite the pessimist myself so Eeyore would obviously be the better entrapped match in an elevator.