Amzy's World

Friday August 28th

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:38:35 GMT

Day of Dying

A jarring voice jolts me awake.
Something is wrong.
The voice's tone is distress.
Something is wrong.
Reach frantically for my glasses.
Something is wrong.
Against the clock, I race downstairs.
Something is wrong.
My destination is the living room.
Something is wrong.
One look at you and I know
Death is in the air
Black angels flutter about
Waiting.
I hear the constant hum of the oxygen machine.
Something is wrong.
A soft 'paa' escapes your lips from forced air.
Something is wrong.
I gently wipe the saliva trickling down your chin.
Something is wrong.
Your eyes are blank and your skin is cold.
Something is wrong.
Tears fill my eyes. My chin quivers.
Something is wrong.
Numbness spreads
Fills my world
You are dying
And nothing is right.

Poetry to Deal with Loss

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:28:58 GMT

My best friend Megan had some pretty sound advice for me the other night. So I have been trouble sleeping because images of my grandfather's death get stuck in my head and repeat themselves. It's very haunting and makes me a little crazy. Now my entire life images always have had a way of planting themselves in my brain and causing me to dwell on things or become obsessed with things. Guess it's all part of that OCD personality of mine. But the way it feels is like living reoccurring nightmares... not very fun. Now back to Megan's advice.... she has been seeing a grief counselor because her mother recently died and they told her that every time an image occurs to get up and write it down or to associate it with something else. (I personally think that is step 2). So my way of altering this for myself is to turn those images into poetry. Unfortunately I'm not ready to do this with my grandfather yet so I decided to see how it would work on something else that has recently been bothering me a lot and that is the loss (though not entire) of Rob. We've gone through so much and are always back and forth but every time things go badly I feel like I'm losing a best friend. So last night (technically the day today) when I got home from work and couldn't sleep because my mind was trapped with images.... I got up and wrote a poem. It felt wonderful and then I was able to promptly fall asleep.

Sweet Nothings

As you wrap your arms around me
And pull me in close,
Your sweet lips graze my ear
I feel your soft breath
Hear your whispered I Love You
The words travel into my ear through my brain
Down my tingling spine
They warm my insides and I feel safe.
My world is complete
Utter bliss in one moment.

The next moment it is all gone.
Those whispered words are shattered
Broken, split apart
They are just words
Your lips are far away and cold
Those same arms that wrapped me close
Now push me away
And I am alone.

Current Events

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 05:21:33 GMT

Ok so I guess I fail miserably at keeping updates on here for all of my friends that care to read them. Well I'm currently surviving as best as I can back home. I recently got full-time overnights at Dunkin Donuts, which is pretty awful but it is money to pay bills in lieu of my librarian career taking off anytime soon. Also I'm still trying to deal with the worst pain of my life which would be my grandfather's death. He died on Friday August 28th. If I thought my insomnia was bad before... well let's just say it is extremely desirable to what I deal with now. grigri614 recommended the book Tuesdays with Morrie to me and I just finished it the other day. It helped with some of these death dealing issues and also forced me to attempt to approach my grandma more and learn about her past. My whole family consists of 'hiding feelings' people and that doesn't help anyone in dealing with death. Of course, getting my grandma to talk about things is sort of like pulling teeth but it is a work in progress I like to think. Someday I would like to write a book about their life. So yes Tuesdays with Morrie- very inspiring!

Let's see what else has been going on.... balancing out sadness with something happy.... when I'm in a more consistent pattern of money-making (hopefully soon) I'm thinking about doing boxing. There is this all girls boxing gym in North Attleboro called Striking Beauties that seems perfect for some Amy-relieving-stress time. I'm also hoping to get some amazing rock climbing time in this weekend with Rob which is very much needed. I haven't been climbing in sooooo long and I feel like my soul is dying a little. It's extremely hard to keep a similar active lifestyle as I had before with little or no cash. There is no longer a climbing gym right behind my apartment nor a wonderful dance studio that enrolls people over the age of 14.

I've surprisingly become very anti-social lately (and due to working overnights as well). So not much excitement to report in way of social events. I haven't been to Club Hell since my grandfather's death because I just don't feel like putting myself in that big of a social setting yet. I went to Rose's labor day party and almost killed a bunch of people for spilling beer on me. Megan tells me that these uncontrollable bursts of anger will happen just because of everything my brain is trying to process and she assures me they will go away in due time. I sure as hell hope so because this is so not healthy. (Megan's expertise comes from her mother recently passing away and our similarities with anger issues).

Since I've decided I will be sticking around the homestead for awhile (my grandmother really needs me and I have no intentions of leaving her by herself in this house, that would be just awful) my mother and I have been discussing fixer-upper things to do around the house. Those projects will begin soon because the weather is cooling down and becoming more suitable for painting and the like. It'll be nice to live in a place where the floor, walls, and windows are not falling apart.

All in all, things aren't really going according to plan... but when does my life ever do that?! I'm just trying my absolute best to survive relatively intact. Everyday is a fight to concentrate on the little things in life. Try to remember the memories and the love left by that person instead of the pain of their loss. Balanced with finding a job, being supportive granddaughter, helping my mom out, and working 40 hours at current shit job. Sigh.... Oh yes and quitting smoking. Even without school in the picture my platter is still full... how did I manage that one. Anyways I would promise that I will keep updating this thing but that would be an empty promise.... I can say I will probably sporadically post more entries on here when I have time to do so.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 19:59:09 GMT

Wow I haven't been on this thing in 11 weeks as it kindly informs me. So I've decided I'm back and I should really start posting stuff for my lovely B-town friends so they can keep up with all of my adventures.... so starting tomorrow or maybe later tonight I will sit down and make an update of my life. :)

Writer's Block: Personal Strength

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 05:33:11 GMT

Where do you find your personal strength?

Writer's Block: Caution, Meet Wind

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 17:21:20 GMT

When was the last time you threw caution to the winds? And what were the consequences?

View 500 Answers

I always throw caution to the winds... sometimes the consequences are really good but most of the time the consequences are really bad.

Writer's Block: Almost Famous

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 04:13:59 GMT

What celebrity do you think looks like you? What celebrity do other people say you look like?

View 503 Answers

I've gotten Winona Ryder and Anna Paquin in the past. Don't if either of those are true.

Writer's Block: Chatty

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 08:50:09 GMT

Do you prefer texting or talking on the phone?

View 502 Answers

Neither actually but I super despise a text message novel... if something is important just call me or wait til you see me in person.

Writer's Block: Dream Trip

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 16:55:33 GMT

If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?

View 503 Answers

Tuscany, Italy or Australia

Writer's Block: Rare Condition

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 19:37:37 GMT

Do you suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia or know anyone who does?

View 500 Answers

Friday the 13th has always been my luckiest day of the year.

Writer's Block: Fearsome

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 21:55:45 GMT

The boogeyman, global thermonuclear war, being forced to eat broccoli—there's a lot to be afraid of when you're a kid. What was your biggest childhood fear?

View 501 Answers

That the house was going to catch on fire and we would be homeless. I always had a bag packed of my most cherished possessions under my bed just in case.

Jung Personality Test

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:26:26 GMT

<a href="http://similarminds.com/jung/estj.html">ESTJ</a></b> - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population. <a href="http://similarminds.com/">Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)</a>

Writer's Block: Cookies

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:47:00 GMT

What is the strangest advice you've ever received from a fortune cookie?

Submitted By merrytook92

View 501 Answers

"The one you love is close." It was pretty absurd considering I was surrounded by people I love, such as my family. Now I know the fortune meant "the one" but that was just a silly fortune cookie.

Writer's Block: Coast Range

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 07:24:31 GMT

If you had to choose, would you rather live in the mountains or by the ocean?

View 501 Answers

Ocean definitely. I love the beach. However I wouldn't want to be too far away from mountains either... this is why I love New England. Best of both worlds!

Snow!!

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 19:46:15 GMT

Despite the fact that I've been doing massive horrible projects all weekend and have this terrible headcold, my weekend has been made wonderful due to the fact that it snowed a decent amount out here. I was sooooo freaking happy! Yesterday morning and afternoon it snowed big beautiful snowflakes and they actually stuck to the ground. When I first realized it was snowing, I literally started jumping up and down and smiling like a big dork in my apartment. I ended up sitting in my living room on the couch with my cup of coffee (in my favorite skull mug) just staring out my sliding glass doors and watching the snow fall. My pumpkins on the deck are covered in snow and you can see peeks of orange out from under the snow. I felt like my cats drawn to the window. My kitten Cinnamon, who has never seen snow, was slightly freaking out. She kept looking all over the place in the window, especially staring up at the sky and the snowflakes falling. It was kind of adorable. I did a little bit of homework yesterday but I decided to indulge myself and enjoy my favorite thing to do when it snows--- curl up, enjoy some warm beverage, and just watch the snowfall. It was amazing.

Writer's Block: Physical Education

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 01:01:58 GMT

Call it gym, P.E., recess, or pure hell, most people have participated in a class at school that focused on games and athletics. What sport or game did you hate the most when you were a kid? What sport or game was your favorite?

View 502 Answers

I hated dodgeball and kickball because catholic school kids are mean yo. Although I will be a total hypocrite about dodgeball and say that I loved to fucking whale those balls at the other bastards haha, I just didn't particularly like being hit by them. My favorite thing was when we got to go outside and do cross country running. My friend and I could go at our own pace, chatter, and enjoy the nice day outside.

Writer's Block: Eat, Drink, Be Merry

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 04:29:37 GMT

Thanksgiving is almost here in the U.S., heralding the start of the holiday season and the first of many meals where you might be confronted with a traditional dish that you happen to find disgusting. What holiday food do you hate to see on the table?

View 500 Answers

Cranberry sauce. I despise it. Blech blech

Writer's Block: Department of Stereotypes

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 23:38:54 GMT

One of the most popular gender stereotypes is that women ask for directions while men would rather be lost than ask for help. In your personal experience, does this stereotype hold true?

View 500 Answers

No I rarely will stop and ask for directions because I'm stubborn as shit. I think this stereotype should be applied to people with stubborn personalities not necessarily gender.

Writer's Block: Idiomatic Confusion

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 06:09:37 GMT

Whether it's a canary in the coal mine or a waitress in the weeds, idiomatic expressions can sometimes stump us even in our own language. What common expression puzzles you the most?

View 500 Answers

I actually can figure out most idioms but I think a few of them are silly such as Apple of my eye (I just think this one is lame), Hell in a handbasket (how could you honestly fit in a handbasket!) and Getting up on the wrong side of the bed (what really is the right side of the bed in the morning, every side is the bad side to me haha).

Writer's Block: A.A. Milne

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 13:11:02 GMT

Some people find Eeyore’s gloomy outlook charming. Others prefer the bouncy enthusiasm of Tigger. Who would you rather be trapped in an elevator with: Eeyore or Tigger?

View 501 Answers

Oh god totally Eeyore. I think Tigger's peppiness would probably drive to commence slamming my head against the elevator walls. I'd much rather have Eeyore telling me we were going to die because when we didn't we could be happily surprised. I'm a big fan of expecting the worst so when it doesn't happen you are pleasantly shocked. But we all know I'm quite the pessimist myself so Eeyore would obviously be the better entrapped match in an elevator.

Writer's Block: Redoing Nature's Color Palette

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 12:57:28 GMT

If you could manipulate the color schemes of nature, what things in nature would you change the color of? What would you change them to?

Submitted By laurelsing

View 501 Answers

I would love for the world to be filled with bright and fun colors like lime green, fuchsia, bright blue, anything neon and eye-catching. Maybe with all these bright colors surrounding us the world would be more content. It would be nice to see the world through "rose-colored" glasses. Although I would still need a dark day every once in awhile because storm clouds are fun to watch occasionally.

Writer's Block: Your Favorite Series: One Last Go Round

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:16:45 GMT

If you could pick any TV show that has been off the air to come back for one more season, which show would you pick and why?

Submitted By idle_kid_city

View 505 Answers

Daria because it was Daria!

Writer's Block: The Best Invention

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:05:43 GMT

What would you consider to be the single greatest invention in the history of the world? Why?

Submitted By brianmorris

View 500 Answers

Coffeemaker. Cause I would die without it or at least be massively depressed haha. ;)

Writer's Block: Immigration

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 23:35:20 GMT

If you had to immigrate from your current home, where in the world would you choose to go?

Submitted By purplemer3

View 500 Answers

Tuscany. Just because.

Variable IQ quiz

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:28:32 GMT

I took this quiz that been_a_book and we_are_pliable posted. I don't know about the results.... I don't think I'm that lovey dovey as the child with the dog lol.

Your result for The 4-Variable IQ Test ...

Interpersonal

35% interpersonal, 20% visual, 25% verbal and 20% mathematical!

Your strongest type of intelligence is Interpersonal. You thrive when thinking about people, social situations, and human interaction. That's very touching. You are very likely to be empathetic, sympathetic, and in general, less pathetic, than most other test takers.

Your specific scores follow. On any axis, a score above 25% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 25% means you use it less. It says nothing about cognitive skills, just your interest.

Your brain is roughly:

35% Interpersonal

20%Visual

25%Verbal

20%Mathematical

Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice to the world.

1. Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 20%.

2. Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 25%.

3. Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 50%.

Take this quiz!